


darling, you're a force of nature

by johnshuaa



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Coffee Shops, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Heartbreak, Immortality, Kissing, M/M, Minor Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Seo Youngho | Johnny, Minor Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Qian Kun, Minor Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le, Roommates, University, im so sorry hyuck poor boy goes through so much, some kinda magic immortality thing that goes on but its not hard to comprehend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-24 14:29:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17102336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnshuaa/pseuds/johnshuaa
Summary: Donghyuck falls in love, but it's just his luck that love doesn't stay with him.





	1. we will grow old as friends

**Author's Note:**

> after aproximately 32924587 years, i have returned hehe
> 
> chapter titles from i'm sick of losing soulmates by dodie
> 
> working title: that's so sad, alexa play without you (because stupid working title's have become a habit for me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for blood (I think??)

Donghyuck doesn’t remember a time when Renjun hasn’t been by his side. He has always just  _ been there _ , with Donghyuck, the two of them together and inseparable, ready to conquer the world. Since day one, it’s been like that, and ‘til the last, it’ll be like that.

Being best friends and neighbors in a forgotten suburb for nearly ten years practically meant that they were obligated to go to the same college. But that didn’t mean they would have to stay in the little town forever. It takes some work, but they both manage to get into university on the opposite side of the country, in spite of everything their parents, friends, and neighbors constantly nagging at them that the community college was  _ just fine _ .  

So they move to Seoul, where Donghyuck studies art history and Renjun works on linguistics, and they’re happy that they can do what they want to do. Once they finished their first year on campus, barely scraping by the heavy tuition they have to pay, they moved into a little, cheap apartment together that was a bit too far from campus and a bit too ugly to host any guests, but either way, it’s nice. With the two of them, it’s home.

Donghyuck remembers everything about Renjun, from when he first came to Korea, to his childhood in China that he barely remembers himself, and everything up to this point in time. Renjun had moved across the street from Donghyuck when he was just four years old and didn’t speak a lick of Korean. He had 4 cats, just because he can, even though he’s slightly allergic to the fur. He dyes his hair every so often, (Donghyuck was there to dye it bright red, after all. He himself proceeded to use the extra dye on himself so they could be twinning.) but his favorite is still the natural dark brown he had now.

And Donghyuck watched him grow up. He was there through every awkward phase, every significant and insignificant change. He was right by Renjun’s side when the other sat in his closet and cried for over two hours for absolutely no reason, but it sounded as if the world had crashed right over him in that short time. Then he came out of the closet, literally, and to Donghyuck for the first time.

The two of them are twenty now. They have a biannual movie night, one on Renjun’s birthday, and the other on Donghyuck’s birthday, a tradition they’ve set up since they became friends in elementary school. The TV in their apartment is old and glitches every half hour or so, and it’s not the epitome of technology, but it’s enough for them.

(Considering they used to always Renjun’s parents’ flat screen, this is a major downgrade.)

Donghyuck always plays High School Musical, all three of the movies, ‘cause he’s a sucker for cheesy teenage romances, and Renjun just finds fetus Zac Efron very entertaining. At 8 pm sharp, their spots in front of the TV are set up the way they’ve always had, with blankets and pillows stacked in a messy pile, bowls of snacks on the coffee table in front.

They sit side by side on the ground, back propped up against the couch, neck held up by the cushions. Renjun rolls a blanket across their laps and places a bowl of popcorn and candies in between. It doesn’t take much time before there are scraps all over the blanket, and Donghyuck randomly picks up a tiny piece of popcorn to aimlessly toss it at Renjun’s face.

At 12 am, Donghyuck’s birthday comes, and Troy swings Gabriella around in the rain at the roof of the school under the clearly artificial rain. That’s Donghyuck’s favorite part, because he always cries then, probably because he knows that everything starts going downhill from then on. Renjun promptly laughs at him and chucks a Sour Patch Kid at his head.

“Stop, I’m sensitive!” Donghyuck whines, sniffling dramatically for effect. Renjun hands him a tissue, which Donghyuck pettily ignores.

“You’re just a big baby. This isn’t even the sad part.” Renjun takes a handful of popcorn and shoves it in his mouth, eyes back on the screen.

“Yeah, but it’s because I know they won’t be happy forever that makes me like this!”

“And it’s just a high school love story. They’re bound to stay together for only a year and then call it quits,” Renjun retorts.

Donghyuck slaps Renjun’s arm. “That’s not going to make me feel better.”

Renjun only shoots Donghyuck a smug smile.

The movie is nearly over, which means Troy drives all the way to Stanford to kiss Gabriella, after only twenty movie minutes of mourning for their break up. Donghyuck really doubts anyone would actually drive for a total almost 24 hours just for a girlfriend to be in the school musical. Nonetheless, the gesture is endearing enough to make Donghyuck grab the entire tissue box for himself.

“You’ve had your first kiss, right Junnie?

Renjun doesn’t bother turning his head. “Yeah, like five years ago.”

“Have you kissed anyone else since then?” Donghyuck’s curious, and probably prying at this point. But weirdly, it’s the one thing he never bothered to learn about Renjun. The fact that he didn’t know who Renjun kissed at fifteen settles uncomfortably at the bottom of his stomach.

“No. I’ve been stuck with you, and you’re like, a date repellant or something.”

“You’re mean.” Donghyuck shoves Renjun’s shoulder to no avail, the boy rocks to the side slightly but doesn’t fall over like Donghyuck expects.

“Like you aren’t.”

They sit in silence just as Troy and Gabriella make it back to school just in time for the musical.

Renjun finally takes his eyes off the screen. “You haven’t had your first kiss yet, have you? If you did, I’ll kill you for not telling me.”

“You didn’t tell me about your first kiss!”

“I did.”

“Nope, I don’t remember!”

Renjun sighs. “It was our second year in high school and we were playing that spin the bottle game or something at the back to school party, remember? You sat next to me.”

Donghyuck’s mouth opens and closes like a goldfish. “Oh.”

“Now answer my question.”

Donghyuck’s cheeks warm slightly. “No…”

“C’mere, then.” Renjun pushes the empty bowl of snacks away and pats the spot right next to him.

“Who says I want my first kiss to be with you?” Donghyuck scoffs to hide his reddening face. Truth be told, the close proximity between them had his heart throbbing unconditionally.

“Better me than anyone else, loser.”

Renjun pulls Donghyuck’s face forward with a hand on Donghyuck’s cheek. Their faces are much closer than what Donghyuck is used to, but it’s not exactly uncomfortable either. Renjun’s breath smells of butter and sour sugar, something so close to home without being childlike.

“There’s no turning back now. You ready?” Renjun whispers, eyes lidded, a hand resting on the curve of Donghyuck’s neck. His fingers play at a brown strand, curling and uncurling it around his index finger.

“You really aren’t giving me a choice,” Donghyuck huffs, but he presses forward anyway, and their lips meet in a chaste kiss, nothing more than that. 

The movie’s end credits roll around, and the light reflecting off the screen darkens from the black background.

Renjun pulls away first with a fake wince, nose wrinkled. 

“You know, having your first kiss is much more uneventful than what I thought it would be,” Donghyuck states, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. “Don’t think I’ll be doing that again anytime soon.”

Renjun chuckles despite the direct insult. He’s probably used to it by now, considering how often Donghyuck makes fun of him. “You’ll just need to find someone who’ll actually willingly kiss you multiple times.”

And their birthday tradition rolls back to an end, yet again. In 8 months, they’ll be here again, with hot chocolate instead during the winter season. But it’s a long time away, and it’ll be a while before either of them think about it again.

They spread out their blankets on the carpeted floor and move from the couch to lay on the ground completely. Donghyuck turns the TV off, and Renjun takes the bowl of snacks to shove back on the coffee table.

“Night,” Donghyuck mumbles, snuggling in further in his blankets. Renjun doesn’t say anything back, breaths already long and even.

Donghyuck’s brain doesn’t stop moving, however. His lips tingle, light but still there. He imagines kissing Renjun again, and a heat develops in the pit of his stomach.

Then, he runs a tongue over his lips, and they taste like nothing. After all, Renjun didn’t kiss him too hard, but the warmth that’s barely there is, nevertheless, quite a nice feeling. It’ll be back again one day, instead, caused by a boy Donghyuck really likes, romantically and all. Now just isn’t that time, and the boy isn’t with Renjun. To both of them, that’s okay.

Donghyuck gets drowsier the more he thinks. He still has to drive Renjun to the airport tomorrow, where Renjun would fly back home to China and stay there for the next month for summer vacation. Then, Donghyuck would take the train back to his own home to visit his parents. They haven’t been apart for that long in the last few years. How is Donghyuck supposed to survive without him?

“Hyuck, can you get me some water?” Renjun rolls over to face Donghyuck, in the midst of his deep contemplation.

Donghyuck blinks for a moment, then scrunches himself into the blanket. “But I just got comfy…”

Renjun’s eyes are bloodshot, even Donghyuck could notice in the dark, no more light than the soft beams of the streetlamp through thin curtains. “Please. My throat hurts.”

The crack in his dry voice automatically forces Donghyuck to sit up.

With a sigh, Donghyuck wiggles out of his cocoon and pads towards the kitchen. Through the thin walls, he could hear Renjun coughing violently, body-wrenching hacks that made Donghyuck shudder. He quickly fills up a glass and goes back.

Renjun sits up with some struggle, his arms failing to hold his weight up, and Donghyuck puts a hand on his back to keep him steady. Donghyuck brings the glass to Renjun’s lips and tilts it slightly.

“You alright, Junnie?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Just a coughing fit, I guess. I’ll just sleep on it,” Renjun says, taking the glass and setting it on the coffee table. 

When Donghyuck continues to stare, Renjun sighs, which turns into a small choke. “Really, I’m good now.” This time, he doesn’t bother to check for Donghyuck’s reaction. “Night, Hyuck.”

Donghyuck doesn’t believe Renjun is  _ good _ , especially as the older turns his back on Donghyuck and starts to shiver profusely, even though it’s summer and they never keep the air conditioning on for more than an hour at a time. But he didn’t say anything after that. It was probably just some allergic reaction or a cold. The worst thing that could happen is Renjun having to miss his flight and head back another day with minor symptoms.

So Donghyuck keeps his eyes on Renjun’s back and snuggles into their blanket, practically forcing one eye open as he slept just in case Renjun woke up coughing again.

And he does. Donghyuck pretends to sleep, but Renjun jolts awake every hour, choking on air. He sips some water and grabs a tissue, then falls right back asleep. 

It’s in Donghyuck’s nature to worry. Renjun was fine and healthy literally just hours before, and he can’t help but wonder if it’s his fault. What if Donghyuck somehow transferred an STD during his first kiss? What if he passed on some incurable disease that Renjun’s immune system couldn’t battle?

He decides to let it go. It might just be some flu, and he’ll be all fine by the morning. He’ll wake up, annoyed as always, and yell at Donghyuck to wake up. Donghyuck hopes that’s the case, prays that’s the case, and lets his eyes stay shut, ears in tune to rhythmic coughing.

Donghyuck wakes up first the next morning, which happens only once in a blue moon. The one time being Renjun forgetting to set an alarm clock the night before and apparently stayed up even later than Donghyuck during their sleepover when they were fourteen. That experience led to four days straight of Donghyuck’s incessant teasing. And it’s weird, because Renjun-- Donghyuck checks his phone-- has approximately two hours ‘til his flight, and it’s an hour drive to the airport alone, not counting traffic.

So Donghyuck rolls over and grabs Renjun’s shoulder, shaking gently because Donghyuck himself is still tired and unwilling.

“Hey Junnie, wake up.”

No answer.

“Jun, you have like, fifteen minutes before we leave. Did you even pack yet?”

Donghyuck furrows his eyebrows. Renjun is usually a light sleeper and  _ certainly _ should’ve woken him.

“Renjun, come on.”

Gently, Donghyuck flips Renjun onto his back and--

“ _ Oh my god, Renjun, fuck. _ ”

Renjun’s lips are swollen, yet the corners are white, with stains of purple and blue on his lower lip. There’s blood-  _ god there’s blood- _ dripping down his chin and onto his neck, fresh streaks tracing the lines of dried red. He’s pale, and skin freezing to the touch, especially as Donghyuck puts a hand to his chest, where it’s the coldest.

Donghyuck places a finger below Renjun’s nose and doesn’t feel an exhale for a whole minute. He presses Renjun’s wrist to his cheek, tries to dig his fingers into Renjun’s neck, anything to find a pulse. But there’s nothing, the only movement being the tick of the minute hand on the clock, clicking into its next spot, and of course, Donghyuck’s shaking body.

“This can’t be happening,” Donghyuck murmurs to himself. He can’t possibly just be  _ gone. _ All of a sudden, Renjun, no longer existing as his sarcastic, loving self. There’s something nagging at the back of Donghyuck’s brain, telling him that he was the catalyst. He’s the one who kil-- hurt Renjun, 

He couldn’t possibly live with himself and lie to everyone else when his best friend literally died in front of him, and he probably  _ could _ have saved him. 

Donghyuck picks up his phone, hands shaking so badly that he drops it once before he can dial emergency services.

“I need an ambulance.”

With the last strand of hope he has, Donghyuck grabs onto Renjun’s hand, lacing cold fingers between his warm ones, maybe to try to transfer some life force back into Renjun as he recites his address into the phone wearily.

And from that day on, Donghyuck has been twenty and not a day older, with a fear of attachment and an oath of isolation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stalk me on  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/johnshuaa)  
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/johnshuaa)


	2. time and hearts will wear us thin

It’s easy to just stay from relationships as a whole, not only romantic, but platonic and everything else. Attachment isn’t an option. It still hurts, even five years later, when Renjun’s family still blames him and Donghyuck’s own family forgets about him with ease. There’s a reason why he moved to the opposite side of the country, where nobody could possibly want to look for him, and nothing could remind Donghyuck, at least not too much, of Renjun.

Instead, he lives in a small town with a population of about a thousand people. He uses what little money he has left to buy a cottage right next to the beach, his backyard the sand that could extend both to the woods or the sea. The nature is calming, the one thing keeping him grounded enough to keep living. The cottage itself is small, with one room that barely fits his bed, a bathroom, and a kitchen flowing directly into the living room and the front door. The secluded aspect of it was the selling factor, in the end.

Rather than going back to school, Donghyuck works at the only coffee shop in town besides that one Starbucks near the community college. Timeless Cafe, quaint and on the edge of the only main street in town. The only people who work there besides Donghyuck are the owners, Taeil, Jaehyun, and Doyoung, and a boy named Lee Jeno.

While Taeil and Doyoung work in the back, brewing coffee and baking pastries, Jaehyun and Jeno take the register, putting their charisma and nice smiles to good use. Meanwhile, Donghyuck works alone behind everyone else, cleaning and attempting to help Taeil knead bread dough (keyword: attempting).

So, Donghyuck’s safe in the back.

That is until Jeno found the need to approach him after their shifts every day to say hello and smile like the perfect angel he is. Donghyuck is weak for the eye smile. Actually, he’s weak for Jeno in general.

Sometimes, Donghyuck completely forgets about his “condition” and just wants to tackle Jeno against the door of the employees' room and kiss the living daylights out of him. But of course, he doesn’t.

He can’t do that to him, because late at night, he still remembers Renjun in such minute details that he’s not sure if they were there or made up. It’s been fading away ever since the funeral, since he left Seoul to disappear from everyone and everything he had known for his entire life. When it reaches the twilight hours, he gets flashbacks from that exact moment when he woke up to find Renjun pale as paper and freezing cold to the touch. It’s as if his heart just suddenly stopped in the middle of the night and never pumped again.

But Donghyuck knew. Everything about that night had stayed the same for all those years, and the only difference was their kiss.

Donghyuck is poisonous, and the reason why his best friend his dead.

When Donghyuck finishes washing another batch of dough-covered bowls (courtesy of Taeil, of course), he finds himself throwing a wet cloth over his shoulder and stepping out of the safety of the kitchen to wipe down the tables. He likes leaning over the edge of the table in front of the register just a bit more when he knows Jeno is counting the tips for the day. Donghyuck is still a little bit arrogant, something you can’t train out of him, and he knows he has a nice butt.

He can’t help it. Jeno, with his pretty, bleach blonde hair, his cute little smile, his eye crinkles. It’s too much. Donghyuck hadn’t let himself love anyone in five years, and he so desperately wants to.

Which is probably why he said yes when Jeno invited him to hang out at the beach that week.

Maybe Donghyuck should be more cautious about how he does things, but fuck it, he’s been working with Jeno for the last three years, watched him go to college to eventually drop out, and finally found him working part-time at the dance studio across the street, alternating with his shifts at the cafe.

On Wednesday nights, Taeil and Donghyuck lock up together, as the shop is closed on Thursdays. It’s kind of odd, to have the day off on a weekday when business is best, but Donghyuck won’t complain if it means he gets to sleep in.

“I heard our little Jeno asked you out,” Taeil teases, rolling down the last set of blinds. He glances inside the kitchen to check for any unclean utensils, before shutting off the lights throughout the whole shop.

Donghyuck turns red, just a little bit.

“There’s nothing wrong with that, Hyuck. You deserve some fun. You’re working so often that I would think you lived here,” Taeil chuckles and steps out of the glass door, Donghyuck right behind him. 

“I just-- don’t like getting close to people…?” Donghyuck replies, and it’s such a blatant lie that anyone could easily tell he’s faking it.

“I’d beg to differ. I just think you’re quiet when it comes to your personal life. Otherwise, you’re totally a people person.” Taeil turns the key into all three locks on the door and shoves the keychain into his jacket pocket. Why the cafe needed so many locks, Donghyuck doesn’t know. 

“Doesn’t it bother you?” Donghyuck takes a deep breath, the air humid and sticky from the sea just a mile away. In the past five years he’s been in this town, working at the same cafe, he hadn’t revealed anything to his bosses about his past. They, thankfully, never nagged too much about it either.

“Bother me what?” The two stroll back towards the boardwalk, which is more of a rickety wooden pier with a tiny ice cream stand that’s barely standing. It’s one of the town’s only attractions and only a block away from Taeil’s apartment.

“That I… ever tell you guys anything? How I’ve just been always here, yet you guys barely know what I like, or where I was in the past.” Donghyuck scratches at the nape of his neck. “You literally have three giant locks on your shop when there’s approximately one robbery every decade, but you never bothered to even do a security check on me.”

Taeil only shrugs. “I think it’s your own call to tell us. I don’t mind it really. It’s not our business. But I do know someone who would like to know a little more about you…”

Donghyuck whines and slaps Taeil’s shoulder.

“Jeno’s a good kid, though. Just take some time off with him. It’ll be a nice break for all of us.”

“Excuse you, we aren’t  _ that _ annoying. Sometimes you talk as if you’re eighty years old setting up your high school grandson on a date.”

“Hey, you got part of that correct!”

Donghyuck scoffs, muttering a quick “whatever” before walking up the steps to his own cottage. With a quick wave, he slides through the door and shuts it immediately, leaning his back on the wood.

There’s one thing certain that he knows now, and that’s not a good thing for him or Jeno.

If Jeno looks good in their uniform of a black apron and white polo, then, of course, he looks even better in swim trunks and a loose t-shirt, blonde hair covered in a little white sailor hat.

“Hey!” he yells, waving his arms dramatically to get Donghyuck’s attention. Said Donghyuck stands at his back porch, eyes wide and mouth agape because,  _ wow _ , Jeno looks godly.

Donghyuck hops down the steps and tries his best to run across the sand. (He fails epically, despite how short the distance from his house to Jeno is.)

The summer sun is slightly cooler than usual, emitting more light than heat. The water glimmers so bright that it turns white, layered with deep blue, barely polluted. There’s also a small breeze flowing by every so often, which makes Jeno’s bangs flutter under his hat.

“I brought food!” Jeno stated, opening his picnic basket as Donghyuck reaches him.  “C’mon, I skipped breakfast for this”

For the next few hours, they alternate between sitting on a square blanket on the edge of the beach and running into the icy waters. The only other people at the beach are a couple with their two toddlers, their items placed at least half a mile away, allowing both parties to have plenty of privacy. Hence, Donghyuck goes all out, screaming at the top of his lungs whenever Jeno kicked water at him.

Eventually, the two get tired, even after eating several bags of chips to refuel their energy. They slowly stumble back to the blanket, arms across each other's shoulders, giggling for no reason. 

Once they’re situated on the sand again, Jeno passes a neatly wrapped sandwich to Donghyuck, and the two eat in silence, watching the sun edge closer and closer to the horizon, not close enough to be sunset just yet.

“You know why I wanted to take you out today?”

Donghyuck lifts his head slightly, body still pressed on the warm sand, back completely covered in specks. He barely gets enough sleep these days, but the sun and the sand feel much more inviting than usual. “I thought you just wanted to hang out…?”

Jeno laughs, all of his teeth on display. “It’s your birthday today, did you forget?”

“Huh, I guess so.”

They’re silent, the occasional lapping of waves and seagull chirp as the only prominent sounds. Donghyuck finally sits up and cross his legs, leaning his weight on his hands behind him. He tilts his chin towards the sun as if trying to soak in the last of today’s rays. It’s rare for him to spend so much time outdoors by himself anyways, when he’s working all the time at the cafe.

It was his birthday, which means he turns twenty for the sixth time. And if that’s today, then that means it’s been five years since Renjun--

“Well, I brought cake!” Jeno digs through his basket and produces two cupcakes, blue frosting on top melted and smashed against the plastic container it’s in.

“You’re so sweet,” Donghyuck can’t help but say, taking the box of deformed cakes and popping the top off. The blue frosting is certainly misleading because the cakes are red velvet, Donghyuck’s all-time favorite. He bites into one and nearly moans in delight.

Jeno lazily licks at the frosting, some of the blue sticking onto his upper lip. “How is it? I made it myself.”

“Tastes mysteriously like Doyoung’s recipe. I would know.”

“I’d like to have you know that the one day you don’t share a shift with me is the one day I help Doyoung bake in the back. I sure hope I learned  _ something  _ these past three years.”

Donghyuck shrugs and murmurs a “fair enough” and bites into his cake again. When he finishes it, Jeno has only made his way through half of the frosting.

“I- I have a question,” Jeno says, and he has never looked so timid before.

“Shoot.”

“Why are you always so distant? Jaehyun-- he always said you were reluctant to talk to people, but you seem so natural around them.”

Donghyuck’s surprised that Jeno noticed any of that. He probably doesn’t give the younger boy enough credit. He hardly noticed himself how well he interacts with the cafe employees.

Jeno continues, fingers twisting into his shirt. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been trying to get your attention for so long. I just-- I want to  _ understand  _ you.”

Donghyuck opens then closes his mouth. “I’m not  _ distant. _ ” He knows that’s not true, but lying takes off an edge of pain.

Jeno shoots him a look. “Don’t pretend you don’t sneak in an extra cookie across the counter to those little kids when Jaehyun is busy doing his job.”

The thing is, Donghyuck can’t explain too much without ending up with a pity party. Or he just can’t explain it in general, not when he barely understands what’s happening himself. But he wants to tell someone, so bad, that it actually hurts.

“I don’t really know. I’ve just- I’ve been through some tough situations a while back…” Donghyuck doesn’t know what compels him to do it. Maybe it’s the serene setting he’s in, or Jeno’s warm gaze, but he tells the story for the first time since it happened. “My best friend, he died while I was with him a couple years ago. And I blame it on myself for it all the time. I think it’s a feeling programmed in me to not want to hurt anyone else.”

“Oh, god. I didn’t mean to push. That- sucks.” Jeno grabs Donghyuck by the shoulders and hugs him, sharp chin catching onto his neck. Donghyuck freezes for a moment. This is probably the closest the two of them have every been.

It’s such a nice feeling. Jeno smells of vanilla, like cookies and frosting, like the bakery after Doyoung goes on an experimental field day. Donghyuck resists snuggling his nose into Jeno’s hair.

“Ok, enough of this sad stuff. You’ve lived here for five years, and I still can’t believe you’ve never played in the ocean until today.”

In a moment, Jeno pulls away, stands up, and tips his hat at Donghyuck, then runs straight for the water again, Donghyuck sprinting right behind him.

The sun goes down in an ombre of pinks, oranges, and purples. The two of them consumed everything in their little food box by the end of the day, and they’re dripping from head to toe with salt water. Donghyuck’s hair is probably more sand than red at this point.

They called it a day when the tide almost rolled their towels away. Because Donghyuck’s house is just a short walk away, they settle for heading there to clean up first.

As Jeno took a shower, Donghyuck went to the kitchen to make some hot chocolate. It’s his special recipe that he’ll bust out no matter the season. Hot chocolate in general is an all season type of thing (unless it’s completely burning outdoors, then he’ll blend in some ice cubes to make a milkshake).

“Well, my dumb ass forgot to bring extra clothes even though it’s the  _ beach _ ,” Jeno states, walking out of the bathroom and shaking his wet hair out like a dog. “But thanks for the sweatshirt.”

It’s Renjun’s old sweatshirt, with their old college crest. It’s small, and barely fits over Jeno’s wider figure, but it’s warm, fuzzy inside, and it also makes Donghyuck feel fuzzy inside. Something tugs at his chest when he sees the familiar jacket on someone other than himself again.

Donghyuck squirts a wimpy swirl of whipped cream onto the hot chocolate and hands one of the mugs to Jeno. “This should help.”

“Thanks.”

Once Jeno takes a seat on the sofa across the room, he takes a sip, whipped cream smothered over his upper lip. Donghyuck is on the verge of collapsing then and there in the kitchen.

“Hyuck, get over here.”

Reluctantly, Donghyuck moves from his safe perch behind the counter to the couch and settles next to Jeno. They drink their hot chocolate in silence, but Jeno's body is turned to Donghyuck as if prompting for a conversation.

“I’m not sure if I made it clear enough, but--” Jeno licks his lips, wiping the whipped crip off his upper lip. “I think… I really like you.”

Donghyuck takes a deep breath and exhales shakily, closing his eyes to settle his beating heart.

Jeno frowns at the lack of response, setting his half-empty mug on the coffee table. “It’s ok if you don’t like me back. I just thought I should let you--”

He couldn’t help it. Donghyuck grabs Jeno’s face and pulls him forward, pressing his lips firmly on Jeno’s. It’s not like Donghyuck’s first kiss at all.

Jeno adjusts himself and slots his mouth against Donghyuck at an angle, deepening the kiss. Donghyuck’s lips move on their own accord as if he’s kissed hundreds of other people before. It’s a slow and languid push and pull between the two, and Jeno licks at Donghyuck’s lips, eliciting a small moan.

It’s overwhelming and amazing. Donghyuck doesn’t want to stop, but he pulls away quickly, eyes glossy. Suddenly, everything he’s done dawns over him.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers. Then he’s crying, falling to the ground, and his hands and lips feel like they’re on fire. 

Jeno scoots to the opposite side of the couch, clearing his throat repeatedly. Donghyuck doesn’t notice what else Jeno does, but the coughing tells him everything he needs

“I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have-- I could’ve--” Donghyuck hiccups and rolls into a tight ball, back against the couch. “You should leave.”

“I-- I’m sorry, I crossed a line.” Jeno stutters and swallows, then pulls the sweatshirt off, the thick fabric slightly wet, and it makes a slopping sound as it falls on the hardwood. Then he leaves, choking out a cough at the doorway.

Donghyuck keeps crying, and at some point, crawls to grab the damp sweatshirt. It’s lost Renjun’s smell a couple years back, and now has a scent of saltwater and Jeno.

Within the next hour, Donghyuck packs as many of his belongings he can into his car. He drives out of town, passes Timeless Cafe on the way, and doesn’t look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohohohohohoho i hella hauled when i went to the kpop shops today i now own an nct light stick and have a really light wallet
> 
> stalk me on  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/johnshuaa)  
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/johnshuaa)


	3. won't be alone again

Donghyuck is so tired. But that’s the only way he can be without it hurting.

These days, he works himself to the bone. He takes an office job where all he does is sit in front of a computer all day, typing up reports. After a good five hours, he takes a moment and gets a plate of whatever food the office provides for the day, brings it back directly to his desk, and begins to work again. In another three hours, he goes home to a tiny apartment with cramping wrists and probably a crooked spine. It repeats, daily.

The job requires just enough brain power for Donghyuck to stay distracted without having to think too much. After all, he’s scared whenever there’s a moment of silence when his mind could wander anywhere and everywhere.

It’s quite disgusting, what Donghyuck has become.

And it’s only been a year since, but all he wants is someone, anyone to talk to. He’s so lonely and he’s sick of it. Nothing can replace that yearn for human intimacy, especially for someone like Donghyuck.

There is someone who shares a cubicle with him, though, sharing the same stapler and tape dispenser. Na Jaemin, who talks and talks to anyone there is that exists within a 100-foot radius. When he makes his way into the office half an hour later than he’s supposed to be, Donghyuck plugs his headphones in but doesn’t turn on any music. He listens to Jaemin talk to all the colleagues who stop by, then the picture of his dog next to the computer, and occasionally to himself whenever he types something wrong.

Jaemin is probably the only actual existing person that Donghyuck doesn’t completely turn away nowadays.

A growing string attaches to the two of them, and one day, Donghyuck will tug on that string. Na Jaemin will follow the pull until the two of them are too close, and Donghyuck will regret everything once again.

 

With a jolt, Donghyuck wakes up, eyes bleary and hair a mess. His neck hurts, and one of his arms he’s been lying on is asleep. Wincing, he lifts his head to find a styrofoam cup, still steaming, and a slender hand wrapped around it.

“Morning, sleepyhead.”

Of course, only Jaemin would take a notice to Donghyuck. Funny, though, how this is probably the first time they’ve truly interacted, despite having shared a desk for more than five months now. (Does that one time Donghyuck asked Jaemin for a staple refill count as interacting?)

Nonetheless, Donghyuck wearily takes the cup with a short glance at Jaemin’s bright face. “Thanks.”

Donghyuck downs the dreary office coffee that’s too bland for his taste, making a face when the liquid scorches his tongue. He masks it quickly when he realizes that Jaemin is still standing at the edge of his desk, hands holding his weight up as he rocks back and forth.

“Hey, some of us are going to get drinks tonight. Want to tag along?”

Now, Jaemin pasted a dashing smile of shiny white teeth as if that itself would convince Donghyuck, who’s been completely isolated since he showed up to the job. 

“It’ll be nice! This job is  _ so _ boring…”

“I-” Donghyuck doesn’t know if he has it in him to reject the offer.

“Yuta and Taeyong hyung are both going too! It’ll be fun, trust me.”

“What’s the occasion?”

Jaemin’s mouth falls open for a bit, probably surprised Donghyuck would even consider the offer, but then he feigns careful consideration, “No reason. Thought us co-workers should, I dunno, get to know each other a bit more.”

And Donghyuck accepts. Being under pressure was never his forte anyways.

Apparently, when Jaemin says after work, he means literally.

Donghyuck finds himself squished between Taeyong and Jaemin on the bus going the opposite direction from home. They’re chattering about something Donghyuck isn’t too sure about, some office romance of the boss’s latest scandal. Maybe years ago, he would be listening intently, but now, he could care less about all this gossip.

Jaemin scrolls through his phone mindlessly, one hand double tapping every so often while the other plays at his tie. Eventually, the cloth goes loose, and Jaemin pops open the top button before relaxing back against the seat. Donghyuck finds himself staring at the skin below Jaemin’s Adam's apple and gulps anxiously.

He averts his eyes the best he can, but if he looks in any other direction, it’s just another stranger’s backside and that makes him just as uncomfortable.

“So, Hyuck-- Can I call you that?” Jaemin only pauses to look for a bare minimum confirmation of a slight nod. “Hyuck it is. How come you don’t do anything besides work. I know how amazing and fun typing up reports everyday is, you don’t have to be so loud about that. But you don’t talk to me! I’m your cubby mate! We share a stapler and everything!”

“Maybe I just don’t want to talk to you,” Donghyuck cheekily replies, Jaemin’s face is absolutely priceless--

“I did not expect that at all, I’ll be honest, but your humor…” Jaemin pats Donghyuck’s arm. “My man, where have you been all my life.”

Donghyuck falls into an easy pattern of sending a snarky remark right back at Jaemin, and it’s the absolute most fun he’s ever had. In those short minutes, he doesn’t know how, but Jaemin becomes more attractive in the ugly white light of the bus, shadowed by standing bodies around them. 

It’s going to be a long ride there. The more they talk, the more Donghyuck thinks they have in common, and the warmth in his stomach only brews even more. The logical part of him wants to suppress everything he’s feeling, revert him back to that machine, but their conversation carries on until they reach their stop, and it’s too late to stop.

Instead, Donghyuck makes up his mind that he was going to get hammered tonight, no matter what happens.

During the short ride to the bar,  _ Sun&Moon _ , just at the edge of the city, Donghyuck also realizes his birthday is tomorrow. And of course, with everything that has happened on that day in the past couple of years, something bad will occur in the next couple hours that he’ll certainly regret.

It’s so tiring though. Donghyuck has been tip toeing on eggshells the past year, and he can feel himself wanting to fall backward and crash to the ground, and say fuck all consequences.

So he steps into the building and skips right over the dance floor and to the bar instead, where he drinks until his head is foggy and can barely remember his own name.

However, it’s the most fun he has had in years.

Donghyuck stumbles to the dance floor after his umpteenth shot, where he swings himself around to the rhythm of all the moving bodies. Colorful spotlights circle the floor in random splashes, dim so no faces can be seen clearly. It’s exhilarating, even if he can barely register the bass pounding through his veins or the bodies moving like waves.

At some point, Donghyuck finds himself gripping someone’s waist. Whoever it is, they’re thin, almost bony, face familiar but drowned by the haze of the alcohol. In the end, Donghyuck still knows, with a tingle of his sense, that he’s holding Na Jaemin in a way that’s more than friendly.

And at another point, Na Jaemin has his thin body pressing Donghyuck against the wall, hands trailing up and down his sides, mouth latched on a strip of skin on Donghyuck’s collarbone, exposed after pulling down a button or two of his dress shirt.

It all makes Donghyuck dizzy. He hadn’t had a drink in while, so the fog is slowly clearing away into a soon-to-be headache. Jaemin’s mouth and the small whines Jaemin lets out are driving him insane, and there’s a tiny part in the back of his brain that is nagging about something he could care less about right now.

Donghyuck gives up on thinking and lets his lips do whatever they want.

That’s a horrible idea, really. Inevitably, Donghyuck kisses Jaemin, hard and hot on the mouth. There’s a tangle of tongues and hair and fingers, nothing like he has ever done before.

At this point, it doesn’t even matter, if Taeyong and Yuta find the two of them in this compromising position, because it’s probably the last time Donghyuck will be happy, even if it’s only for a couple minutes in a shitty nightclub, consequences dangling over his head from a thread.

The alcohol clears all of a sudden, and Donghyuck finds himself pausing, but doesn’t pull away.

Jaemin does so instead when he feels the lack of reaction on Donghyuck’s end. “Something wrong?”

Donghyuck tilts his head back against the wall so he doesn’t have to look at Jaemin’s swollen red lips and unkempt brown hair. “I’m good. Fine. You should…”

Every part of Donghyuck tells him to tell Jaemin to see a doctor, but how could he explain it? Nothing about this is logical in any way, and Jaemin would probably just laugh it off like it’s nothing, like his life isn’t in danger.

Jaemin peers down at Donghyuck with curious eyes before they widen comically, and he puts a hand over his mouth. He pushes through the crowds of people on the dance floor, tripping over feet as he runs in the direction of the bathroom.

Suddenly, the room makes Donghyuck claustrophobic, despite how close he is to the only open door of the club.

The outside is eerily quiet when he exits, nothing left except chirping cicadas and the pulse of the music through the air. Around him, life goes on, as if nothing had happened.

He takes the next bus home, which is another hour away from arriving. As he steps onto the brightly lit bus, there’s a series of sirens, police cars and ambulances all parking a block away from the front door of the bar. Donghyuck’s bus is already driving when they wheel out Na Jaemin’s unconscious body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> merry christmas eve eve or christmas adam hehe
> 
> dreamies station is very soon i'm not ready it looks so soft
> 
> stalk me on  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/johnshuaa)  
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/johnshuaa)


	4. so how do we win?

Both China and Wong Yukhei are extremely loud and extremely big.

Only recently has Donghyuck managed to master speaking Chinese, after a good three years of learning. Then, in comes a lumbering giant with big eyes and floppy limbs, jabbering some odd mixture of Korean, Chinese, and Cantonese, waving his hands around as he attempts to express his happiness.

Kun and Sicheng, it seems, constantly take in foreign students. They have an apartment on the eighth floor of a complex at the outer edge of Beijing, the house including three bedrooms, two bathrooms, and an oversized kitchen. Kun and Sicheng have been married since they finished college, and then took in Chenle when his parents left to work in England. One look at Donghyuck’s pitiful nature on the wet streets of the night market was all it took for the pair to offer him a place to stay, despite how dangerous it is to just let a stranger from another country live in your house.

It was perfect, the four of them. Kun and Sicheng run a popular kebab stand at the night market two streets over, which Donghyuck works at in exchange for living at the apartment. Chenle, after he gets home from school, sits in the back, far away from the steam of the grill to do homework as he watches Sicheng cook batches of chicken and Kun takes orders.

“This is my… cousin?” Chenle asks incredulously, raising an eyebrow at the hyper boy in front of him, probably twice as tall as Chenle himself.

“That’s what your mom said, yes,” Kun states. It’s a Tuesday night, the only day they don’t open shop, and instead, they have a nice dinner together at the plastic, foldable table usually meant for poker and food prep.

“I don’t believe it,” Donghyuck says, scrunching his face. “He’s too tall. You should have at least inherited some of that height, Lele.”

Chenle slaps his arm, and for a teenage boy with such thin biceps and only a passion for the piano, he hits  _ pretty hard. _

From across the living room, Sicheng puts down a small pile of envelopes filled with the bills and pointless ads he’s studying. “Hey, play nice!”

Donghyuck grabs Chenle and puts him in a chokehold and scruffs his blonde hair. The younger lets out a high pitched screech, or laugh. (Donghyuck, even after so long of having to deal with this dolphin of a boy, can’t tell the difference.

Eventually, Chenle prys himself out of Donghyuck’s grasp. “Kun-ge! Did my mom tell you anything else? I haven’t talked to her in ages!” And then he’s gone, talking Kun’s ear off, leaving Donghyuck alone in the living room with the giant of a boy.

“So. How did you convince Kun and Sicheng to take you in?” Donghyuck asks, taking a seat on one of Wong Yukhei’s suitcases. It rolls slightly under the weight, and Donghyuck glides in a small circle around his victim.

The tall boy scratches the back of his head. “I needed a place to stay while I’m going to college, and my parents asked around until they found Chenle.”

Donghyuck narrows his eyes at Yukhei accusingly. “And you’ve never actually  _ met _ Chenle before today?”

“He’s not really a direct cousin, necessarily.”

“Interesting.” Donghyuck tries his best to keep up the intimidating act, because Chenle is still his little brother by heart. If some walking buffoon can come in to say he’s family, then he’ll have to prove it.

Then, in comes Sicheng, who puts down his reading glasses on the coffee table and throws down a handful of sealed envelopes. He didn’t seem angry; instead, his gaze is filled with mischief, and Donghyuck thinks,  _ oh no.  _ “Stop interrogating your roommate, Hyuck. Go mail these papers.”

Donghyuck gawks unattractively, mouth flying open, mirroring Yukhei’s own surprised face. “ _ My _ roommate?”

“Chenle’s room is too small to fit two beds. And you’ll have to show him around town and work since he’ll be off of school in a few weeks.” Sicheng sits at the sofa and turns on the TV, ending the conversation abruptly. For someone the age of 25, he sure acts like an old uncle in need of a beer.

“B-but--”

“Shush, I need to catch up on this drama before Kun finishes cooking dinner. You know how he gets if the electronics are on during dinner.”

Donghyuck groans. Stupid Sicheng’s logic and stupid Kun’s generosity and stupid Chenle’s family tree and stupid Wong Yukhei’s existence. “Fine. Bring your stuff, Wong.”

It takes a year for them to fall in love.

Wong Yukhei, it turns out, is a big oaf with an equally big heart and laugh.

It might be his giant smile, or the way he pumps his fist in the air every time something he eats excites him. Whatever it is, Yukhei somehow worms his way into Donghyuck’s tightly guarded heart.

It’s no easy feat. Donghyuck is still so, so scared, though his sarcasm masks that fear, and his bright attitude sends enough of a glare that most would turn away, not bothering to check how he truly feels.

They haunt him in his dreams. He doesn’t see their faces, only hears coughing and imagines purple and blue. Sometimes, it’s just static silence, and Donghyuck knows it’s Renjun. If there’s the soft rolling of sea on sand, it’s Jeno, and if there’s sweat and heat and a deep bass pulsing through his body, it’s Jaemin.

Yukhei made it a habit to push his air bed next to Donghyuck’s whenever the younger cries in the middle of the night without realizing it.

(Donghyuck cries into his pillow, but Yukhei must be a light sleeper to be able to hear.)

He misses this type of care. Yes, years ago, he had his parents, Renjun, Taeil, Jaehyun, and Doyoung. They’re all somewhere, lost in the memories, buried in nothingness. But not since Renjun, Donghyuck hasn’t had this sort of intimate connection, of large hands around his torso and breath tousling his hair at 3 am.

Yukhei fits so perfecting slotted around him, and Donghyuck wouldn’t be opposed if his heart could be protected by Yukhei instead.

Kun finds them one morning together, limbs wrapped like a knot. Yukhei snores every five minutes, and Donghyuck lies awake, staring enviously at his long lashes and dark eyebrows.

Donghyuck nearly screams when his eyes meet Kun’s, and the older puts a finger to his lips. There’s no judgement in his gaze, just mild amusement. Kun cocks his head in the direction of the living room, and leaves without another word.

It takes an effort for Donghyuck to untangle himself from Yukhei’s vice-like grip without waking him up. He rolls over onto his back and stares up at the ceiling for a moment.

Donghyuck knows the two of them are close, even though they started out on a rough patch. (Or, rather, Donghyuck didn’t want to care at first). 

The sudden loss of heat must of stirred him, because Yukhei stretched his arms and grabbed aimlessly at the air in front of him.

“Hyuck,” he whines.

Donghyuck kicks Yukhei’s thighs. “Wake up, you oaf. You’re late.”

Groggily, Yukhei sits up, eyes still closed, hair sticking up in every direction. “Your version of late is very different from mine.”

Donghyuck snorts. “It's ten am.”

“Shit.”

As Yukhei scrambles around the room to grab his clothes and homework, Donghyuck just pastes a shit-eating grin and watches the other boy struggle before leaving to find Kun instead.

Chenle is already out of the house, saying something about hanging out with the new Korean transfer student for the weekend. Kun sets out a plate of food and a thermos on the table.

Yukhei grabs the thermos on his way out the door, tripping on his shoes when he tries to hug Kun. Donghyuck just laughs again as he downs his cup of milk, watching Yukhei run back in when he realized he forgot to put on the shoes he tripped over.

“Donghyuck, you realize what’s happening, right?”

“Hmm?”

Kun settles in the seat opposite of Donghyuck, pulling his legs up to tuck underneath him. “I’m not going to interfere or tell you what I think about it. Whatever you do, it’s your call. But I can tell you’re hesitant with him.”

Donghyuck’s mouth falls open, but quickly closes it in a wince. “I don’t-- you think I like him?”

Kun shrugs, but it doesn’t really look like he means it.

“He’s just a friend. Seriously. I can’t-- I can’t let him fall in love with me.”

“I don’t think you can just make someone  _ not _ love you that easily.”

Summertime meant no school for Yukhei and Chenle, and instead, more shifts at the night market. On the bright side, it meant Donghyuck could work more, distracting himself from whatever feelings are blooming in his chest. On the dark side, it meant while he was working, Yukhei would try to distract him from the one thing that’s supposed to be  _ distracting _ .

Sometimes, Sicheng would send a worried look back at the three of them in the back of the stand, Chenle typing enthusiastically on his phone (probably texting that Korean foreign exchange student from homeroom), Yukhei whining about his grades and how nobody ever let’s him copy their homework, and Donghyuck repacking the already-prepped skewers. He’d also notice how intently Donghyuck listens to Yukhei’s stupid stories, how he laughs at the same parts every time he accidentally repeats the same anecdote.

So  _ maybe  _ spending so much more time with Yukhei isn’t that great of an idea. Donghyuck fees it, that compression around his heart, just a bit familiar, whenever Yukhei laughed.

How did Donghyuck manage to let him get so close?

“Donghyuck, listen to me. Please.”

Turning abruptly, Donghyuck sucks in his bottom lip, just in case he lets out any sort of sound reflecting his anguish. “What do you want?”

Yukhei lets out a breath that extends into a humorless laugh. “You need to stop running away from me. I know I’m not… the best person in the world, but believe me, please.”

Donghyuck backs up, pushing through the swinging doors of the apartment complex lobby. Without the cool, outdoor air, his lungs bring in short circuits of warm oxygen that can’t possibly keep him breathing normally. “I don’t think you should just tell me out of nowhere, just like that.”

For a moment, neither of them move, standing several feet apart, only staring at each other. Yukhei swallows hard. “Hyuck, I  _ know _ you love me too. I’m thick headed but this is the one thing I’m sure about. But I just need to understand why you’re so reluctant to admit it.”

The elevator door slides open, and the two of them step in, Donghyuck keeping himself in the back corner. “I’m scared, Yukhei…” It comes out as a weak whisper. “Every time I love, bad things happen. I can’t hurt you too.”

Yukhei reaches for Donghyuck’s hands and easily takes them both.

The elevator reaches the eighth floor with a quiet ding, and Yukhei tugs Donghyuck out of the compartment.

“It’s impossible for you to hurt me, Hyuck.”

“That’s not true!” Donghyuck cries, shoving Yukhei against the wall, then proceeding to jab an angry finger in his chest. “You don’t understand how  _ scared _ I am. For you and me. It’s not that easy.”

Somehow, Yukhei still manages to pout cutely. “I can protect you. I’ll do whatever you want. At least--” a gulp. “Give me some sort of answer.”

Donghyuck lets out a frustrating sigh, letting his head fall into Yukhei’s.

“How come you can make me feel like this…”

This time Yukhei chuckles, content. “Because you  _ love _ me.”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes , but it quickly turns into a small grin. “Fine. I only have one condition.

Yukhei hums.

“No kissing.”

“Deal.”

Next summer, Yukhei finishes his second year of college, and Chenle graduates high school.

Sicheng and Kun hold a dinner party for Chenle, letting him bring a couple of his friends to celebrate their first few days of freedom. After all, the summer only lasts for so long, before they’re off to college, far away from each other.

Jisung turns out to be a cute little boy with a lanky body, which Yukhei finds absolutely adorable. When Chenle is distracted by the few guests coming through the door, Donghyuck leans up to Jisung, who had a few inches on him, and whispers a few threats in Korean, concluded with an innocent smile.

The younger boy swallows uneasily and pastes on a fake smile when Chenle hops back over, Jeongin and Daehwi in tow.

“Congrats to our graduates this year,” Kun announces, Sicheng right behind him with a giant cake, lit with a singular candle. “I didn’t know if we should have put candles since it’s not a birthday, but here’s one for good measure.”

As Chenle happily huffs at the candle, Yukhei wraps his arms around Donghyuck’s shoulders, putting his weight on Donghyuck.

“Get off me, you oaf”

Yukhei puts his chin on the crown of Donghyuck’s head. “Hope.”

It takes a few more jabs of shoulders and an elbow to the guts before Donghyuck escapes from Yukhei’s hold.

With a pout, Yukhei wanders off to bother Jisung instead, probably to practice some poor Korean on him. Donghyuck grabs a piece of cake and a little cup willed with champagne. As he takes a sip, he watches Chenle throw his head back simultaneously with Yukhei.

“You guys make me so happy.” Sicheng sits next to Donghyuck on the couch, patting his back lightly. “Chenle has a boy he likes, and you finally let Yukhei in. And neither of you go around kissing each other like  _ those _ kinds of people.”

“I can’t believe you think I’m one of those people! Have a little faith, won’t you?”

“I’m just glad you’re happy again.”

“I was always happy. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Sicheng tuts, shaking his head. “You’ve been much better off with Yukhei. It’s ok if you don’t want to rely completely on him, but let yourself go a little.”

Out of habit, Donghyuck tosses the cup’s contents back, and it bubbles on the way down his throat. “Ok, we’re not going to talk about my love life. I’ll go find the kids now.”

Chenle’s friends and Yukhei are all in the living room, laughing in a pile on the floor when Donghyuck finds them. Though loud, (he is sure they’ll get a noise complaint in a couple hours), he finds the scene endearing, almost wanting to join in the group of teenagers for no reason.

“You guys are gonna get us kicked out,” Donghyuck says, but there’s a smile tugging at his lips when Chenle rolls over the bodies of the other boys to the very side.

“No, we’re having fun,” Chenle retorts, finally sitting up.

“Let’s play something else with less… screaming perhaps.” Donghyuck sends a pointed look to Yukhei this time, who has a face both sheepish and daring.

Chenle’s friends don’t go home until midnight. The festivities dies down by eleven, and slowly, more and more people left. Jisung was the only one yet to head home, waiting for a car from his boarding program to pick him up.

In quite crappy Chinese, which is pretty reminiscent of Donghyuck’s own horrid accent when he first moved to China, Jisung explained how he was going back home to Korea in a couple hours.

“I go back every summer. To visit my brother.”

Chenle leans over to Donghyuck’s ear and whispers, “His brother passed a couple years ago. That’s why his parents wanted him out of the country, so he could get over it a bit better.”

“I—“ Jisung shifts back to Korean. “I miss him a lot.” There’s tears in the boy’s eyes, and Chenle instinctively goes to wrap his arms around Jisung.

“We never figured out how he died. We just found him bruised and swollen on the hospital bed.” Jisung sniffles. “No one ever tried to figure it out. They just passed it off as another mystery disease.”

Something claws at Donghyuck’s chest, it’s nails digging deeper into his skin. His throat contracts to a point where it’s hard to breathe.

“Oh… wow. I’m so sorry,” Yukhei says, and as if noticing Donghyuck’s sudden discomfort, puts his hand on Donghyuck’s hips, squeezing with reassurance.

Jisung’s phone lights up with a ring, and he takes a quick glance at it. Then, he says, “That’s my ride. Thank you so much!” He looks to Chenle for a moment, who smiles brightly despite how late it is. “See you sometime.”

Down the hallway, Donghyuck hears Kun call out from the kitchen, “Le, escort him out, why don’t you.”

With that, Chenle takes Jisung’s arm and tugs him out the door.

Donghyuck lets out a breath. It’s 1 am, and his brain is screaming at him. June sixth, Yukhei gently guiding him to their room, Donghyuck’s drowsiness adding to how pliable he is right now.

Then, when the two of them sat on the bed, door closed, Donghyuck starts to cry. He tries his best to muffle he sobs with his arm, but Yukhei takes him by the wrists and pulls his body close. 

“Shh… what’s wrong Hyuck?”

He tries to shrug, but he’s shaking too hard for it to look purposeful.

Yukhei holds Donghyuck in a warm bear hug, the one normal thing about tonight, and Donghyuck feels so small in his arms, cared for and loved in a way he hasn’t been in such a long time.

Donghyuck’s sobs diminish to soft sniffles and hiccups, soothed by Yukhei’s hand rubbing circles into his back. He puts his chin on Donghyuck’s head again, and Donghyuck damns his small stature.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Yukhei mumbles, his chin bumping lightly on Donghyuck’s head with each word

Donghyuck shakes his head, rubbing his hair into Yukhei’s jaw.

“Okay.”

Then Yukhei reaches behind Donghyuck to grab some sweatshirt and shorts, pushing them into Donghyuck’s hands. He unwinds himself and leaves the room, letting Donghyuck get some privacy to change, and despite the lack of warmth, the action fills him with bittersweet love.

As he pulls off his jeans, Donghyuck breathes, deep and calming, Yukhei is a blessing, to have him here, caring rather than prodding. He’s never felt whatever it is he is feeling right now before. It’s new, and there’s tingles and prickles both lining his skin.

There’s a short knock on the door, which Donghyuck responds with a clear of his throat.

“Let’s get to bed,” Yukhei says, shutting the door behind him, clicking the light off, and sliding the the curtains at the edge of the room closed. He then crawls into bed and loosely holds Donghyuck at an arm's distance.

“Happy birthday, Hyuck.” He says it so quietly that Donghyuck himself barely hears it. Somehow, Yukhei the next phrase even quieter, which should be impossible for someone so loud during the day. “I love you.”

Donghyuck’s chest is ready to burst, with joy and warmth and love. INsitinvtlinvely his arms contract to bring himself closer to Yukhei.

_ This boy love me. _

There’s a sleepy smile on his lips, but it’s there. “Thank you.”

Donghyuck feels vibrations of Yukhei’s laughter come through his body. “That’s really not the response I was expecting.”

“I’m sorry.”

Another laugh. “That was also not what I was expecting.”

That earns him a soft slap to a chest and a little whine of annoyance.

“Donghyuck, I love you, with absolutely everything I have, I’ve loved you for so long, and you make me so happy, and my life so much better. I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone else quite like you ever again.”

Even though Donghyuck’s eyes are lidded with fatigue, he grins, probably mirroring whatever smile is on Yukhei as well. “I love you too, Yukhei.” He tangles his fingers into Yukhei’s hair, tugging at the strands aimlessly. It is all quite tranquilizing.

“Can I…” Donghyuck opens his eyes, barely, to see Yukheis face pass under a thin stream of moonlight. “Can I kiss you?”

Donghyuck giggles. “Can you?”

“Fine. May I?”

It could only go downhill. It always does. Donghyuck is so sleep-driven and filled with the joy of infatuation that his reasoning just flies out the window. He nods, and it’s too late. Yukhei’s breath smells of mint toothpaste and a hint of cheap champagne. Donghyuck is wrapped up in arms, frozen in his hold, both wanting to move away and lean in all at the same time.

Yukhei’s lips are soft and smooth when Donghyuck runs a tongue along it.

They go on, molding themselves together into one, until their lips are swollen and until one of them freezes, Donghyuck can’t tell who.

“Babe, why are you-”

Donghyuck presses his teary face into Yukhei’s shirt, and he cries silently. Yukhei is tiff, hand on Donghyuck’s shoulder in a tight grip. 

He’s exhausted, from the playing, the crying, the kissing, it’s taken an emotional toll on him. Yukhei’s so quiet, and Donghyuck knows, and some time in the middle of the night, he feels his body go cold, no longer emitting the natural heat he always does. 

Donghyuck tries his best to hold on as long as he can, but the tears on Yukhei’s shirt is cold, and then dry, until the next morning, when the bed holds two bodies, one with life cut too short, and the other with life seeping out of him.

 

On Tuesday, their night market stand is closed. On Tuesday, Chenle stays home the whole day, engulfed in a tight blanket ball on the sofa, staring glossy-eyed at the vase in the corner of the room, Sicheng’s arms around him, both equally quiet.

On Tuesday, Kun makes short phone calls in the other room, his voice void of emotion as he gets all the affairs in order. 

On Tuesday, Donghyuck strips his room down until it’s bare walls and empty drawers. It still smells of him, even through all of his stuff have been discarded.

The room has become nothing.

Later that afternoon, they would have to leave the apartment in black, and after that, Donghyuck would hug the frozen Chenle and Sicheng and Kun, before he takes everything and leaves.

It almost feels like a routine. It’s a process of loving, and then leaving, and it goes on over and over again.

But this time around, Donghyuck stays just a bit longer than usual. He’s scared, but he’s willing to face it, he’ll face what he has done, and let it shatter him to the point that he is no longer capable of love. 

If anything, Yukhei will be the last, the last to love and the last to die.

Fittingly, the sun is out, bright and shining, which reminds Donghyuck of Yukhei’s nature, of his laugh and yells. It’s bittersweet, but it’s too perfect.

The ache in Donghyuck’s chest worsens when he glances at Chenle, who can’t possibly be the Chenle from a week ago. He knows, for once, that they don’t blame Donghyuck, but it still hurts.

Hopefully, it’s the last time. Hopefully, Donghyuck can finally go numb, and his curse will disintegrate to nothing.

Donghyuck places a sunflower on the casket, it’s vibrant petals into the wood.

In an hour, he’s alone at the airport terminal, with a ticket to the opposite side of the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> merry christmas eve!!  
> This one is twice as long for some reason, but it's one of my faves! And final installment is tomorrow TT___TT
> 
> follow me on twitter too lmao @johnshuaa for quality retweets
> 
> stalk me on  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/johnshuaa)  
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/johnshuaa)


	5. 'cause i'm sick of losing soulmates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and this is the final chapter! an hour late ish, but it took a while to type up lol
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this adventure over the past five days hehe
> 
> Thanks to Sher for beta-ing these while she’s on vacation

Mark Lee is an other-worldly phenomenon, if Donghyuck is honest. But of course, he will never be honest, and nobody can ever truly know

Canada is quite interesting and desperately cold. Vancouver is so large when Donghyuck drives, and for a few hours, he’ll go and still be in the city. (He’s driven around town so many times, yet it’s still unfamiliar to him.)

Donghyuck misses Korea. He misses his childhood home, with the familiar Renjun at twelve sitting across from him at the coffee table as they play Monopoly for two. He misses the house by the sea, where it smelled of sat and red velvet cakes and sugar. Hell, he even misses bland, gray walls and bland, gray coffee, a smile always reflecting off the surface. 

He wishes he can see Chenle again, and eat Kun’s famous pork buns, and grasp Sicheng’s hand when they force their way into the subway. And sometimes, he curls his fingers and he can feel soft strands of hair brushing his palm and nose. 

Now he’s on the other side of the world, suffering through cold winters by himself. Well, technically it’s not by himself. His roommate, Jungwoo, always gives him curt smiles whenever Donghyuck makes his way back to the dorm. But Donghyuck spends so much extra time at the library that it feels like he’s by himself most of the time. 

If Donghyuck’s going to stay twenty years old forever, then he might as well put his immortal youth to good use, starting by figuring out  _ what the hell _ was wrong with him.

Somehow, the University of British Columbia accepted this foreign student whose resume had half made up and half empty information into one of the best research facilities, where, of course, he met the infamous Mark Lee himself in the flesh and blood. 

(Mark Lee wasn’t really  _ infamous _ , he just seemed that way in Donghyuck’s eyes.)

From all those cheesy American high school movies, Mark Lee was the epitome of all the nerd characters to ever exist.

Of all the English words Donghyuck had learned the the last three years, the best one to describe him would be “stuck-up” and “smartass.”

Mark is always the first one to class, his coat with the tag still on, talking animatedly to the professor as the other students file in at 9 am, bored and tired, Donghyuck included. Mark would proceed to sit in the front row, and thankfully, not raise his hand constantly through the lecture. But when the class would spend their weeks at the research center, the professor would blabber on, and Mark would murmur any mildly difficult English word in Korean to Donghyuck, as if he hadn’t spend a good year studying the language before he moved.

As infuriating as Mark is without trying, Donghyuck will admit, very reluctantly, that he’s at least somewhat helpful overall.

But he’s also very, very nosy.

Within the next couple of months, Donghyuck manages to convince the TA and the intern of the research facility to let him stay after class to work a bit. He’s very sure that his intense pouting and whines are what makes Johnny relent to the request at last.

He stays there four days a week at least, sitting in the massive library, thumbing through book after book, report after report, and processing nothing. There’s not a trace of evidence there that could possibly relate to Donghyuck and his condition.

One of the first afternoons he spends there, with his back to the door, he hears the clicking of the knob and light footsteps trailing rather close. When Donghyuck turns around, still bleary-eyed from the random abstract he found dating back to the 1970s, he spots Mark Lee, doe-eyes wide and curious.

Donghyuck groans with as much annoyance he could muster. “What do you want, Minhyung?”

Mark flinches. He’s surely not used to his Korean name, and Donghyuck loves putting him on edge.

“Nothing. What are you doing here?”

Donghyuck casts his gaze to the stack of books in front of him and quirks an eyebrow.

“Never mind.”

With that, Donghyuck focuses back on the article he’s reading, but it’s difficult to concentrate when Mark moves closer and sets next to him, taking a book to study the title.

“I don’t think you’re allowed to be in here. And are you seriously trying to read  _ everything _ here?” Mark wonders aloud.

“No, dumbass, I’m doing research.” Donghyuck makes sure his eye roll is obvious enough even for someone as oblivious as Mark to notice. “And Johnny gave me permission. And the key. If anything, you’re not supposed to be in here.”

All of a sudden, Mark starts to laugh, head thrown back, body shaking lightly. Donghyuck thinks his laugh is disgusting ly cute .

“Johnny’s my brother, so--” Mark puts the book back on top of the precarious pile. “I also have access here.”

Donghyuck makes a little “O” with his mouth and turns away so Mark can’t see the embarrassment bloom on his cheeks.

“So… What are you researching?” Mark grabs the second book of the pile instead, pulling it open to skim through the table of contents.

“None of your business, Minhyung.”

“You know, two brains are better than one.”

Donghyuck scoffs. “I could hardly say your brain is adequate enough to count as one.”

“Ouch.” But Mark continues to read quietly.

The company is nice, even though it rose out of nowhere. Donghyuck glances at his watch, which displays 8 pm on the dot. He hasn’t eaten dinner or started studying for his quiz tomorrow yet. The more papers he can get through today, the better. 

Donghyuck throws his hands up. “Fine. Have you ever heard of this-- I dunno, disease? It kills people.”

Mark’s face goes blank for a moment. “Well that’s very specific.”

“I- I don’t know to explain it. It’s some kind of virus, or infection, that leaves it’s victims dead with a very specific set of injuries. They just… die out of nowhere.”

This time, Mark’s confused face lights up with recognition that makes Donghyuck want to smile. Then, he braces himself for the worst. He has never actually listened to someone else talk to him about this, because he didn’t think anyone would actually know. “I think I’ve heard of that before. Or, something like that? My mom told me that a few people died with the exact same bruises and blood wounds in Korea when I visited. But there’s nothing more I know about that unfortunately.”

Trust Mark to make something so sensitive to Donghyuck become so scientific. He feels cold, but not numb, for once. “Yeah. I want to research that.”

Mark scrunches his face-- it’s the cutest thing Donghyuck has ever seen-- and shuts his book. “I doubt you’ll find anything in these books though. The deaths have only been around within the last decade.”

“No, I want to find past records of this happening. Like if there’s been other people like me-- him. I mean him.”  _ Way to be subtle. _

Mark’s eyes look up to Donghyuck, and then scans the room at the books, newspapers, computers filled with hundreds of thousands of files. There’s a chance that nothing in there could be of good use. But Donghyuck would rather spend the rest of his life searching than to sit and wait for nothing. 

“We better get reading then.”

 

At one point, Donghyuck must have fallen asleep, because he opens his eyes to find everything sideways, and his cheek is awfully cold and sore. When he sits up, his spine aches, cracks a little when he straightens himself again. The room is practically all dark, the windowing peaking out to the pitch black hallway.

Donghyuck throws his hands up and stomps a few times to trigger the motion sensor, and he’s engulfed in lights, too sharp for his eyes.

Besides the book he fell asleep on, everything else he had plucked from the shelves earlier are gone, replaced by a bottle of that disgustingly sweet Starbucks frappuccino. Under it is a piece of paper, ripped rather unevenly off the end of a spiral notebook.

_ For some reason, this is all the caffeine they have here TT__TT -- Mark _

Donghyuck rips off the plastic of the glass bottle and pops the lid off, then takes long, even sips. The sugar itself is enough to stimulate his nerves again, enough for him to stand up without his legs wanting to collapse. 

Mark Lee is sure an odd one. Donghyuck pockets the note and leaves the library, the book still left open on the table behind him.

 

Mark doesn’t get his coffee date for two whole weeks after he asks the first time. If Donghyuck’s honest, all he wanted to do was make Mark fidget every time he was rejected.

Mark scratches the back of his head, and his hand lingers on his neck uneasily. “I didn’t think it would take this long for us to actually…”

If anything, Donghyuck’s favorite hobby was to make Mark flustered, which could be accomplished in two ways: snarky comebacks, or out-of-the-blue compliments. His personal preference is mixing the two of them into their conversations.

“Consider it your lucky day, then,” Donghyuck replies. “Oh, hey Jungwoo!”

Mark doesn’t know Donghyuck visits this shop practically everyday, getting to know his roommate after a few months already of living together. 

Jungwoo smiles as he’s called, and his eyes light up too when he spots the familiar face. He grabs his notepad out of his apron and approaches Donghyuck’s table. 

“Hey Hyuck. Johnny’s brother,” Jungwoo says when he notices Mark as well, who turns red all over again. Honestly, when is he not blushing? “What can I get for you today?”

Donghyuck orders his usual frappuccino and a slice of tiramisu because he skipped breakfast. Mark asks for a watermelon smoothie (which Donghyuck scoffs at, because it’s a coffee shop for god’s sake), and Jungwoo jots everything down in a flash, heading back to the kitchen.

“Do people only know you as--” Donghyuck starts, while at the same time, Mark says, “Do you come here often?”

They freeze, and then start to giggle. Mark’s laugh is so stupid and random that it only spurs Donghyuck’s own laughter.

Eventually, they calm down enough to speak normally again, and Donghyuck repeats, “Is your official title just ‘Johnny’s brother?’”

Jungwoo and Ten just don’t want to learn my real name. Ten’s the owner’s son. And Johnny’s his boyfriend. And Jungwoo’s Ten’s best friend. So obviously, as the youngest, I get bullied the most.” Mark explains it with a fond look on his face, like he doesn’t quite mind the slander anyways. 

“Cute,” Donghyuck says, as none other than Ten himself places the two drinks and dessert on the table.

“Ew, it’s Hyuckie. And Johnny’s brother,” Ten states with feigned disgust, rubbing the two of their heads.

Donghyuck screeches and tries to pry Ten’s hand off. “My poor hair is already dead, you don’t need to kill it more!”

Ten lets go, but tugs on a strand before doing so completely. He kneels down, then props his chin on his hands, elbows on their table. “So are my babies out on a date or something?”

“Of course we are. Now, let us share our tiramisu in peace.” Donghyuck sticks his tongue out for good measure.

Ten flares his nostrils. “Have fun then, Mark.” Then, he stands and leaves, and over his shoulder, Donghyuck can see the innocent Jungwoo snickering at their antics.

Mark quickly sips on his smoothie in an attempt to cool down.

With a roll of his eyes, Donghyuck takes Mark’s free hand and puts it on one of the spoons propped on the plate. Surprisingly, his skin is rather rough, not as soft as Donghyuck imagined, slender fingers like sandpaper against his own soft palm. “You’re paying, by the way.”

 

Donghyuck’s nights are spent less and less at the research center, and more and more at Mark’s dorm. He managed to get extremely lucky, with a singular dorm rather than a normal, shared on. Perks of having a well-known and well-loved brother on campus, maybe.

Mark sits at the desk, bent over a laminated document, underlining here and there with a dry-erase marker. Donghyuck hoards the bed, his textbooks, notebooks, and laptop spread around him in a semi-circle. It’s dark outside except for the soft shine of the crescent moon. Instead, Mark turns on the lamps at his desk and nightstand, and the yellow glow isn’t as harsh to the eye as the ceiling lights are.

This is when he feels the most at peace. Donghyuck has grown to love the quiet and homely atmosphere, the soft silence that hangs around them like a blanket on their study nights.

But it’s also the silence that makes his mind wander away from the textbook in front of him and to the back of Mark’s head instead. His hair is dark brown right now, but he’s shown Donghyuck some old photos  from highschool when he had lighter shades of brown and blonde. (It was the tragic time of the ramen hair. Donghyuck managed to steal one of those pictures for future blackmail.)

Donghyuck doesn’t know what they are anymore. They’re close, closer than friends, maybe nearing best friends despite only knowing each other for a few months. But they also go on coffee dates. Mark and him explicitly call those their coffee dates. But once those weekly cafe sessions end, they’re back to the platonic relationship that’s always been there. 

Over time, Donghyuck realizes that there’s a foreign but familiar feeling blooming in his chest, prodding his skin from the inside gently.

He knows what it is and tries his best to suppress it.

“Minhyung?”

Mark turns in his seat, slight scowl on his face at the name. At least he isn’t stubborn enough to simply ignore Donghyuck if he ever calls him that.

Donghyuck takes a moment to study his features, the lamp casting yellow light on half of his face, while the other side is consumed by shadow. “What-- What are we doing?”

Mark cocks his head. “Is this a trick question?”

Donghyuck gulps unsteadily. “I’m being serious.”

Mark furrows his eyebrows for a second then glances down from Donghyuck’s eyes at the bed. “We’re… I dunno. Studying?”

A pillow flies across the room and smack’s Mark hard in the face, sending him falling back off the spinny chair.

“What the hell, Duck?” But Mark’s giggling, grasping at the desk corner to pull himself back up.

Donghyuck’s red in the face and can’t help but giggle along. “That’s not what I meant, you butt!”

“Your question was literally the vaguest thing I’ve ever heard! What was I supposed to say?”

Donghyuck grabs another pillow, this time to tuck under his chin as he hugs it. “You’re annoying, did you know that?”

The lamp illuminates the cheeky grin on Mark’s face before he sits back at his desk. “I’ve had Johnny and Ten tell me that millions of times in only the past year.”

“And Jungwoo is just too nice to tell you that to your face.”

Mark pouts for a second. “But did you legit have something to ask me.”

“No,” Donghyuck replies quickly “I’m just playing.”

With that, Mark turns back to his work.

Donghyuck looks back to his notebook and suddenly can’t remember what he was studying, because the only thing plaguing his mind is Mark’s lingering gaze on Donghyuck’s lips before he turned back.

 

Watching Mark grow was not something Donghyuck intended to stay long enough to do. He knew, since that first day at the library, that caution had to be kept in mind at all times when Mark was involved. But, the moment Mark  _ is _ involved, the caution automatically flies out the window.

Mark turns twenty-one during early August. He’d usually be home on his birthday, but he’s in charge of welcoming the freshmen this year, which means he had to end his summer vacation a few weeks early. Donghyuck, of course didn’t mind. It meant he had a roommate, for the time being, now that Jungwoo graduated. 

The night of Mark’s birthday, they go to the 24/7 diner a few blocks off of campus with Ten and Johnny. Jungwoo only drops by to give Mark his present, and leaves with a to-go milkshake and a soft smile wishing Mark a happy birthday.

And when they say night, it’s truly night. They get a booth at the window at 9 pm, ordering several plates of breakfasts foods that would last them ‘til morning.

Donghyuck, after spending the year studying by Mark’s side, knows he cannot take coffee well. Yet, at 10:36 pm, Mark quickly hugs Johnny and Ten both, and grabs Donghyuck’s hand, drags him to the car, and goes to the nearest Tim Hortons. At 10:49 pm, they each get a cup of piping hot coffee, sipping quietly under the dim lights of the parking lot, facing each other and giggling as the caffeine shoots straight to their blood.

Donghyuck takes off his shoes and curls up into a ball, laughing at whatever stupid thing Mark is saying. All he’s focused on is the cute little glimmer in the corner of his iris, a square of light only associated with pure bliss.

The word flashes in his mind, blinking incessantly because it wants to be acknowledged. Some hopeful, youthful part of Donghyuck  _ wants _ to acknowledge it, but the years have worn him down from stone to sand, and he ignores it. He ignores the love, and lets himself be consumed by Mark’s stupid laugh and eye twinkle.

The two of them don’t sleep that night, and find company next to each other on the couch of the dorm instead, talking about everything and nothing.

 

Donghyuck comes to the revelation that he has to tell Mark at some point amidst the stress of finals week. He’s gone delirious from the excessive studying, that delirium only heightening when Mark went out of the way last night to bring them sandwiches from Ten’s coffee shop.

“You know what the freshmen told me this was called,” Mark says, gesturing at the notes and laptop piled haphazardly around him, with him sitting cross legged in the middle. He looks as if he were trying to summon the homework demon or something. “They call this,  _ the grind never stops. _ ”

Donghyuck snorts unattractively.

“What, I like that saying! I think it describes me well.”

Donghyuck reaches over from his own study circle to flick Mark’s forehead. “You’re dumb, you know that?”

“I hear that everyday, living with you.” Mark smiles smugly and without a care, which makes Donghyuck flush ever so slightly.

Thankfully, the grind does stop, once exams are over, and Donghyuck crafts a small fire in the middle of their dorm room afterwards, tossing in old notes that he’ll never use again.

Mark walks in to the smell of burnt paper and a blinking fire alarm, ready to go off.

“Duck, what the hell?”

“It’s therapeutic!” Donghyuck grabs a whole notebook, with it’s plastic cover and metal rings, ready to put it in as well.

“You’re gonna set the building on fire!”

Donghyuck sticks out his tongue. “Nope!”

At the same time, the alarm goes off, blaring loud enough to pop one of Donghyuck’s eardrums.

Mark dashes out the dorm immediately. Well that just about proves their friendship. Slowly, Donghyuck stands, bids his tiny fire goodbye, before Mark rushes back in with a fire extinguisher. He sprays the fire for a good two minutes, until everything is white, the fire nothing but a memory in the back of their minds.

“Mark, I love you.”

The alarm stops at that moment, bathing the two of them in silence.

“Say that again?”

Donghyuck clamps a hand over his stupid mouth that doesn’t bother staying shut. He shakes his head stubbornly, eyes wide with panic.

Mark pries the hands off of Donghyuck’s mouth.

“Donghyuck, say it again.”

“No. Nope. No can do.”

Mark laces one of his hands with Donghyuck’s and brings it between them. Donghyuck revels at the warmth, at the bronze skin against pale fingers.

Caution be damned.

“Mark Minhyung Lee, I love you.”

The smile that bursts on Mark’s face shines brighter than any sun and moon and stars, and Donghyuck knows he’s being cheesy and dumb. Love does stupid things to a person.

“Don’t just hold my hand and smile like a creep, dude,” Donghyuck says with a scrunch of his nose.

“Oh, yeah.” Mark blinks back into reality. “I love you, Donghyuck.”

“Okay, that’s good to know.” Donghyuck pats Mark’s shoulder with his free hand. “Took you long enough.”

“Yeah, took a near death experience for you to admit your feelings…”

Mark receives a slap to the head this time. “I was hoping you’d say it first.”

“Donghyuck, just shut up and be my boyfriend, will you?”

“Oh.”

Somehow, Mark makes Donghyuck forget his past and everything that has shaped him into the withheld boy he is now. Donghyuck is wet clay, and Mark molds him into a sculpture that can stand on its own, when so many before have tried and only let him fall back into a clump.

Mark salvaged whatever little dignity and will Donghyuck had left, and converted it into love and strength.

And he is the sweetest being in the world, holding Donghyuck and nuzzling his nose into the crook of Donghyuck’s neck, and unspoken agreement between them that they aren’t ready for the first kiss just quite yet.

They manage to live and love for this long, to the next year, to graduation when Donghyuck finally lets out the last sigh of stress. With Mark up on the podium, making his valedictorian speech, Donghyuck’s chest fills with warmth and pride, knowing that he’s gone this far, that he’ still a living, breathing creature.

Living.

It’ll be his birthday soon. No matter how content Donghyuck is, being with Mark, it’s just so, for lack of better word,  _ passion-less. _ He knows that Mark would never leave him for  _ that _ reason, but Donghyuck still wants it. He wants light pecks when he wakes to morning breaths and bed heads. He wants a kiss goodbye when they go off their separate ways for the day. He wants to put his hands everywhere and make out like the lovesick teenagers on the couch with a pointless movie left forgotten in the background.

Mark is the only person Donghyuck had managed to imagine a full future with. His mind wanders in the middle of the night, and the conjured image of a silver band on his left hand shakes him awake.

All those years have taught him not to love, that it’ll end in tears and loss, and that love isn’t really worth the pain.

But Mark Lee, a force of nature, could be the first to break that pattern.

 

Their friends are all out of town, leaving Donghyuck with only Mark for his birthday. They do the typical, everyday kind of thing they do, then go out for dinner at Donghyuck’s favorite BBQ place. Instead of dessert there, Mark walks them over to the frozen yogurt shop a block down. It’s nearing closing hours, so they quickly purchase a small cup each and sit at the outdoor tables. It’s warm enough that even during the night, the wind is bearable.

“You know, the next two months will be the only time we’re the same age,” Mark comments, licking at his watermelon yogurt. 

“Does that mean I won’t have to call you hyung for those two months?” Donghyuck sends a cheeky grin to Mark when the “supposed” older boy smacks is arm.

“You never cared for honorifics anyways, I’ve never heard you call me hyung the entire time we’ve known each other.”

“Well, we are--”

“In Canada. That’s always your excuse.”

This time, the smile playing at Donghyuck’s lips is soft and small. “You know me too well, Minhyung.”

Mark sighs at the name, getting up to toss both of their empty cups away. “And we’re back here again.”

They walk away from the line of shops with their hands linked loosely, swinging between them with the rhythm of their steps. They have a couple of hours left before Donghyuck’s big day is over. Now that they’ve both graduated, Mark’s heading right back to university to finish his research as a grad student, and Donghyuck plans to find another job, his degree that he can’t quite figure out the use of tucked under his arm. Donghyuck noticed Mark left open the tabs of apartments in several spots in the city, not far from the campus or the business center. He wishes he could fall in love with Mark from the beginning, again and again.

“You’ve had your first kiss, right Duck?”

Those words make Donghyuck freeze in place. It’s so familiar, because they rolled off Donghyuck’s tongue first, all those years ago.

“Yeah.” Donghyuck’s throat is so dry that the word comes out as a gasp.

“I was just wondering-- no pressure, or course! But, I dunno, maybe you’re part of one of those super conservative religions of something. The thing that the kids say… ‘No kissing until marriage’ or whatever,” Mark blabbers on, a bit redder than before.

Donghyuck wants to spend the rest of his life by this boy’s side.

“Would you die for me, Mark?”

Mark doesn’t even blink. “Yes, of course.”

He tastes exactly how Donghyuck imagined him to. Minty and fruity, like some summer paradise island. Donghyuck holds Mark close,hooking his arms under Mark’s armpits, grasping his shoulder to pull him flush to Donghyuck’s body. Mark fumbles for a bit before settling his arms at the back of Donghyuck’s head.

Kissing Mark is fun, because Donghyuck can run a tongue over his lower lip and pry him open easily. He’s never gotten to kiss like this, without consequence, and it just feels so natural and fitting for them that Donghyuck can’t even imagine the bruises on his lips later. He only feels Mark and his love for Mark that all his past difficulties disintegrate. It’s a tug of war that eventually comes to an end, with Donghyuck leaning his forehead in Mark’s neck and letting out a breathy laugh.

“Was the final test a challenge of loyalty or something?” Mark says, playing at a strand of Donghyuck’s hair, his lips hovering above Donghyuck’s ear, temple pressed next to Donghyuck’s own head.

For some reason, Donghyuck starts to cry.

“I’m so scared, Mark.”

Mark holds on tighter, bunching the back of Donghyuck’s shirt in a firm hold. “Sh… Nothing is going to happen. Do you want to…?”

Donghyuck nods, and they walk to the car, Donghyuck’s hiccups permeating the air the whole ride home.

When the two reach their dorm for the time being, Donghyuck immediately pulls Mark back into an embrace, wiping his nose on Mark’s sleeve.

Mark doesn’t even complain. “Tell me whatever you want.”

With a deep breath, Donghyuck’s mouth opens, and words spew out, and he recounts everything, every single thing that has happened in the last who knows how many years.

The names roll out with a bit of struggle, but it comes out, and Donghyuck is finally relieved of everything he has held back. Mark listens without a hint of fear, disgust, only sympathy and kindness brewing behind his cloudy eyes. The hour passes, and there are no symptoms. Mark is still him.

“Do you believe me?” Donghyuck asks timidly, and despite how much he wants to cry in Mark’s arms again, he holds himself at a distance, just to be safe.

“I’ll trust you until the end of the worlds. And, I’ve got to say, darling,” Mark says, the nickname sounding  _ so damn good _ from his lips. “You’re a force of nature.”

“How could you love me knowing I  _ killed  _ them? How aren’t you scared?” Donghyuck says, but it’s more of a whisper. Mark’s nonchalant attitude towards this puts him at unease.

Mark takes Donghyuck’s hands, both of them, running his thumb over the backs of his hands, soothing him. Donghyuck closes his eyes for a moment and sighs.

“We’re here now, aren’t we? I’m well and alive, and nothing has happened to me in the past two hours since you kissed me.”

Donghyuck’s eyes stay closed and tighten as he grimaces. He feels Mark scoot closer to him. Then, soft lips are back on his, leaving feather-light kisses all over his face and lips.

He loses count after kiss number sixteen.

“I’m not going to leave you. You aren’t going to lose me,” Mark says. “You wish it’d be that easy to get rid of me.”

Donghyuck can’t help but laugh through his tears. Some part of him knows it’s true. That Mark hasn’t died yet, that his kiss hasn’t killed Mark, it all had to mean something.

“You’re the one.”

Mark’s face breaks into a wide, stupid smile that Donghyuck kisses off as he tackles Mark to the bed. 

“I found you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after six long months of handwriting this thing only about once per week, it's completed :))
> 
> it's also quite fun for me to type it up cuz i don't remember what i wrote lmao  
> also, is it bad that everything i write is absolutely spontaneous and i never know how the story goes on in between and only know how it ends...
> 
> but anyways, thank you so much for reading <3
> 
> stalk me on  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/johnshuaa)  
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/johnshuaa)

**Author's Note:**

> and i'm back for the time being!  
> i got the idea for this back in june and have been grinding stuff out week by week. the entire thing was written by hand before i transferred and editted.
> 
> i'm uploading a chapter per day leading up to christmas (hopefully if i can edit them in time ohohoho)
> 
> thanks for reading :))
> 
>  
> 
> find me on  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/johnshuaa)  
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/johnshuaa)


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